Dear Ms. Wai – How to Meet Asians Outside Asia?

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Dear Ms. Wai,

I came across your postings from looking into how to find ‘friends’ from Japan,  Korea, Chinese, or Taiwan whether it be on a dating or penpal site.  Your site was excellent and I read it all.  Would you  be so kind as to help me out?

 Just wondering what I am doing wrong or how to approach these men, what the attraction point is.  I never seem to be approached or if I am it is not for long – the ‘interest’ dies out and I have profiles considered a ‘catch’ and are good.  I even think if I was a foreigner – or not – I would reply to them.  It looks ‘like it might be something’ when you go online, starts off okay then dies out.  It did occur to me that it might be an age thing as the younger folks seem to learn their language plus english. 

Obviously it is a lot easier to meet people in person but I don’t even seem to do that nowadays even though I am close, for example, to London’s Chinatown.

I am even thinking of getting someone to look over my profile content [mostly on free/pen pal-whatever-you-make-it sites], and would love to be able to have a relationship from East Asia, even move there.  I have dipped in and out of a lot of sites – some were quite personal/in depth and would have hoped that my putting on a fair bit of information would attract someone – anyone.  I indicated on some, that the foreign differences would not bother me, that I would expect to go the way of the country, fit in – if you need to be quiet you do, or if you are expected to stay at home you do, I am not even after a job.

I’ve been trying now for quite some time and at last came across an AMWF or Asian man White woman type site but again that never produced anything.  I have tried everything and am just contacting you in the hope you can provide some some of guidance if it is not too much trouble.

So it seems like what you are asking is how to meet Asians who are living in England, right? You say you’ve tried dating sites without luck but meeting people face to face is even harder so online seems like your best option.

You say it “starts off good” and then the interest quickly dies but I’m not clear which side loses interest first. It seems like perhaps the guy loses interest in you, right? If that’s true then I’d ask you to take a look at your approach. What do you talk about with these guys? Or, more honestly, why are you interested in Asian men? I hate to be so blunt, but I have to ask if you like Asians as a fetish/yellow fever thing. You seemed very interested in Asian culture, and even willing to live abroad for a guy, but why? Are you looking for a guy as a “ticket” into the culture?

Just like Western women, Asian men don’t want to be used because they are Asian. Most want to find a real relationship where someone likes them for them, not for their culture or passport. When you start chatting with the guys do you come off too strong? Praising them just for their Asianness and asking them only about their culture? Nobody wants to be seen just as a stereotype, so when you chat with a guy ask about him: his hobbies, his job, what he likes to do when he is free. Make it clear you are interested in him, specifically, and not just his culture. Find out who he is as a person independent from his heritage. Don’t barrage him with questions of his favorite Korean bands, or K-dramas or whatever. Instead ask him, “What kind of music do you like?” Or, “What TV shows and movies do you like?” If he starts talking about K-pop, great, keep talking about that. But if he says Taylor Swift ask him why and which song of hers is his favorite. Don’t keep changing the topic back to your favorite Korean bands and try to force the conversation to focus on Korea.

You also mention age, and I gotta ask…how old are you? Age is a big deal in most Asian countries so a 27-year-old guy is less likely to be interested in a woman in her 40s. In fact, to have a relationship with an older woman is seen as quite unacceptable in many cultures so if you are much older that could be another factor stopping guys.

If your connection to Asia goes beyond “yellow fever” and sexy Asian men, how about taking a trip or even moving to Asia yourself? If you’re British, you could teach English and get to live in the cultures you so admire. While a relationship with an Asian man is a ticket directly into a culture not your own, there are many ways to do it yourself. You don’t need to find a man to learn and explore a foreign culture.

Do you have a question for Ms. Wai? Write a comment of e-mail her at [email protected]

Ms Wai

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