Dear Ms. Wai — Why Won’t He Meet Me?

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Hi Ms. Wai,

Here is my predicament:

I started using Tinder for the first time while in China, where I currently work and reside. I am an American girl and I matched with a really nice Chinese guy. We exchanged contact information and have been communicating through WeChat ever since.

That was nearly 3 months ago and I have yet to meet this guy in person. He was very upfront and asked how long I’d be in China for and I told him that it would depend but I would for sure be here until September 2018 due to my work obligation. I know his intention is marriage as he has told me already. He also mentioned that he is only about 30 minutes or so away from where I live, in the next city over.

When I tried to get a better understanding of where our relationship was at, he said he wasn’t ready to label it and that we should at least meet and get to know each other more, which I thought was a fair request. However, it feels like I’m trying to get to know him but he isn’t really trying to get to know me. And, there are still no plans to meet, although there have been potential plans that have fallen through.

I’m not sure what to do at this point. I’ve tried to stop communication with him to see if he is committed to me or willing to make an effort and he always manages to message once it appears I am losing interest. I don’t want to pressure him into making a rushed decision about anything but I also don’t feel that it is fair to keep me waiting if this isn’t going anywhere. I will add that I did also ask how his family felt about him dating a foreigner, after reading a couple articles on this site about traditional parents not always being supportive of that. He at first wasn’t sure about his family’s response but he has since told me that he discussed this with his family and they support his decision.

Sorry for the long email. I look forward to any advice you can give.

-Seriously confused

 

I once met a guy online as well. We lived three hours apart, but he lived in a major city that I visited regularly. Much like you we got along great and chatted regularly. We talked about our (potential) relationship but I was like your guy, and didn’t want to decide anything until after we met.

Finally after a few months of chatting I was taking a trip to his city and we decided we would finally meet. I was on the bus going to the city, and we were texting about our plans. Then he randomly said, “how do I know you don’t have an STD?”

“Excuse me?” I wrote back.

“Well, all you foreign girls are such sluts. How do I know you haven’t slept with a lot of guys and have AIDS or something?”

Obviously we never met and I deleted his WeChat before I got off that bus. But even as I was angrily texting with him, how dare he say that,  I knew what he was doing. It was like he forced me to be angry at him because he was scared. We had built up a slightly intense relationship and now that it was time to meet, and actually do something about that relationship he got scared. And instead of admitting his fears (what if we don’t get along? What if I’m not good looking enough for her?) he decided to just insult me to make me angry so he could avoid rejection altogether.

I have a feeling your guy is doing the same thing. In this case more time “getting to know each other” online isn’t the best method. Because the longer you get to know each other, the more pressure there is in a face-to-face meeting. There is more at stake and therefore he is more nervous. And what’s easier to do, face your fears and plunge forward? Or avoid your fears and keep delaying possible rejection? Delaying wins every time.

You can’t wait around forever.

Remember, many Chinese guys are intimidated by foreigners and almost can’t believe that a foreigner would like them. And he might think if you meet face-to-face you’ll realize your mistake, say you aren’t interested and never talk to him again. So that’s scary for him.

I’m sure you are also nervous to meet him face-to-face, but in general, women are more willing to admit and talk about their fears when a guy would rather just make excuses and pretend everything is okay.

So what you need to do is make an ultimatum. Meet on an agreed upon time, or you’re done. Just say you are tired of waiting, that you don’t want to waste yours (or his) time and you need to meet to see if you have a possible relationship. And don’t let hm cancel or change plans. Just say if he doesn’t then you are going to delete him from WeChat and not talk to him again. That should show him how serious you are. But it will be up to you to be the stern one, and if he does try to cancel, or change the date later in the future (where he will likely cancel or change again) you will need to put your foot down and follow through with your threat. Otherwise he will continue to lead you on and avoid meeting which really isn’t fair to either of you.

I should mention one other thing. You say you met on Tinder and not Tantan, right? Tinder in China requires a VPN and knowledge of English. Chinese people know foreigners use it often while Chinese seldom use it. This guy might have just been looking for a foreign woman “to have fun with” and there is a possibility he has a girlfriend or is married already. He might have been surprised when you talked about relationships and what-not and he might not have known how to respond. Instead of confessing the truth, he might be dragging it out, unsure how to handle it. I hope that’s not the case, but it has happened to foreign women in China before, so just something to think about.

But let’s give him the benefit of the doubt, eh? Let’s hope he is just scared of rejection and scared that meeting you will ruin the good relationship you have online. Hopefully you being stern and forcing a meeting will bu a funny story you tell your friends later when you are a long-term couple. Good luck!

Do you have a question for Ms. Wai? Write to her at [email protected]

Ms Wai

Ms Wai

The world of Western women dating Chinese men can be fraught with confusion, misunderstandings and difficulties. But Ms. Wai has got you covered. If you have a question, or need some straight-up girl talk, Ms. Wai is here for you with a regular advice column. Please send any questions to [email protected]
Ms Wai

2 comments

  1. Well girl, I got to tell you, using Tinder in China is THE WORSE POSSIBLE DECISION EVER.
    GET OUT. DON’T DO IT. THE CHINESE GUYS ON THERE ARE FUCK BOYS AS WELL. IT’S BAD. Trust me. I had met a guy who met with me twice and then ghosted me less than a month later. Fuck him. I hope he’s sad and single. (I’m a salty bitch I know.)
    Hell, I also met a guy on Tinder who was planning on moving to a different province for work about a week after we matched on Tinder and started talking. (I couldn’t meet up with him where we both were living at the same time because well, I WAS ON MY PERIOD.)
    So, anyways, I’m kind of in a situation you are in. When am I and that guy going to meet? Not sure. Because it’s about 3 hours train ride to where he’s at currently.
    BUT ABORT MISSION. DROP THE GUY.
    if you are HALF HOUR AWAY. GET OUT. Not worth it.

    Don’t use Tinder in China. My mistake. and I don’t even use Tantan. Just if you have friends, have them introduce guys to you. DON’T USE BARS OR CLUBS AS A WAY TO MEET PEOPLE TOO. Trust me. Big mistake.
    Anyways that’s my advice.

    1. Got to agree.
      Chances are most Chinese guys are just after sex.
      They might be married or already in a (long distance) relationship, but that doesn’t seem to matter to them.
      Many get the idea that foreign women are ‘open’ (a euphemism for slutty) as they base their ideas on what foreign women are like on TV programmes – the most common of which is ‘Sex and the City’. (one admitted this to me)
      I had a couple of guys who stalked me online – they managed to con my phone number and email from friends.
      They seemed friendly enough at first, (you don’t want to seem rude) but the more I probed – in a friendly/chatty way, especially to meet in open/neutral places such as coffee shops, the more ‘excuses’ I received. They wanted to meet in hotel rooms, I refused of course, as it was obvious to me what they wanted.
      I eventually blocked them online and on my phone as they were constantly texting and emailing.
      One persistent guy took to waiting outside of my place of work and required me to get a friend to warn him off (and lose face) in public as he would not take ‘no’ or ‘p*** off’ as an answer.
      Some of the local women/colleagues I knew think they are being ‘helpful’ by giving my personal contact details out to strangers, so I had to explain to them slowly and clearly how unsafe this was.

      Meet guys through mutual friends, not Apps like Tinder.
      China has a shortage of women, and there are Chinese guys whose only other chance of female ‘companionship’ is with prostitutes, and are ignorant of safe sex and have 0 sex education except through online porn.
      Don’t be the one who contracts a STD through the ignorance and casual misogyny of such guys.

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