Dear Ms. Wai,
I have just returned from China visiting a nice Chinese guy. I travel to China every second month, and at my travel in November, I met this great guy the last day. We kept contact by WeChat, and agreed that I should come visit him for 5 days here in January. In the meantime he was writing each day, sending music and pictures, talking on skype and so on – and it was quite clear, that there was a potential for more than just friendship …… but now after spending five days with him I totally confused. I have not dated Chinese guys before, and hope you can help. My story is below:-)
The first night I arrived, he invited me out for dinner. Afterwards we went to a bar, had a really good time and on the way to the hotel – he kissed me. He suggested, that he should go with me to my room, we kissed and was very much like a Western date. But then suddenly he wanted a shower, and after the shower he was so tired, that he wanted to sleep. I thought he would go home but no, he laid into my bed and slept without a kiss or holding me or anything (kind of weird to have a “stranger” in my bed). Next day we stayed in bed almost all day, talking, watching movie etc.. But absolutely no physical contact from his side. He ordered food, we took a long walk and he took care of me but no physical contact. In the evening I took the initiative to kiss him – and we had very very fast sex. It continued for two days, him staying with me at the hotel (actually walking around in only boxer shorts feeling very at home). Him taking good care of me with food, walks and bars 😉 – but absolutely no physical contact from his side and no more kiss or sex. The second day I asked him directly why he didn’t kiss me / touch me, and he just told me sex didn’t mean anything to him. I told him, that it meant something to me, actually I got really sad/cried a bit – and we had some really good talks.
The third day he took me to a nearby city, which meant a lot to him. As a surprise he had booked a hotel room so we stayed overnight. Again in the same bed, again an amazing day: eating, having fun, talking, watching movies etc. But absolutely no physical contact. Only when I took his hand, when walking around.
The last day he was going to work and therefore slept at his own place. He came after work to take me out for dinner and a long walk at the beach. I kissed him several times, and he kissed me passionately back , but he did not at all take the initiative. When we came back to the hotel, I asked him to stay for a couple of hours, because it was my last night. He refused and told me, that he wanted to go home. It had been a perfect night, and he didn’t want to ruin it……
As all Chinese he paid everything and gave me a lot of presents. The last day he brought a painting from his father , some Chinese writing from his brother and a tea cup from his mother. Felt very honored, but I don’t know the meaning. He told me that no matter our relationship, I was a friend of the family now.
He has been so honest to me – told about his parents divorce, old girlfriends, his weak side of his personality, his family, his concerns at work etc. Very open.
I’m so confused – does he see me as a potential girl friend or as a good friend – I find the signals so mixed. By heart it seems like he likes me – but I’m getting confused due to the complete lack of physical contact from his side, and no words from him around liking or missing me, even though I was very clear in wording that I liked him, made it so easy for him just to reply, “i also like you”. The closest from him was the last night, where he told me, that I didn’t need make up, because I looked beautiful without:-)
If he has been a Western man, I would have concluded, that he only wanted to be friend, and only kissed me because I wanted to and he didn’t want to hurt me. But I have no idea now when he is Chinese guy.
Please help – Chinese dating culture is so new to me, that I can not see the signs/understand the signs. I will go back in a month and need to know if I should visit him.
Hmmm this is also a little confusing to me too. This isn’t a common “Chinese culture thing” as usually guys are quite forward and into sex behind closed doors. I see him not showing physical affection to you outside as a culture thing, but inside as well? In the privacy of a hotel room? That’s a little strange.
Okay, I have three guesses for what’s going on with this guy.
1. Maybe he’s already married? That could explain his insistence at staying in your hotel room and taking you to another city (away from eyes who might recognize him). Since you come and go regularly–and he knows your schedule–he doesn’t have to worry that you will be around and run into him when he’s out with his wife and kids. Maybe he told his family he had a business trip or something and that’s why he needed to stay at your hotel instead of going back home. (And why he had to go home the night before work. Because his wife was expecting him.) I see this as possibly the least plausible of the three because why would he sneak out, lie to his wife and then not even want to have a lot of sex with you? I would accuse him of using you, but he isn’t really. He’s buying you food, taking you out and then not even wanting sex at the end? That’s a little weird.
2. Maybe he’s actually asexual? I have a Chinese guy friend who hates kissing. More of a personal disgust than any culture thing he just really doesn’t like kissing. Maybe this guy doesn’t like sex like he said. Sexuality is a spectrum and being asexual isn’t often talked about but is a real thing. Some people just have no drive or desire for sex but still have a need for a loving relationship. That would explain the lack of sex and the quick sex. And he did openly say it. But like you said, it’s important to YOU and a relationship with two very different sexual needs of the partners isn’t a relationship with a great outlook.
3. Maybe he’s gay? Maybe he’s not open about it or maybe he hasn’t explored his sexuality at all and thought having sex with a foreigner would be a good idea. (Less pressure than a local woman that would want something more serious.) Maybe he wanted to have sex that first night but when the time came he found he just couldn’t do it, and maybe to try not to hurt you he forced himself because he knew you wanted to.
Those are just my guesses and for all we know maybe something else is going on with him. It sounds like he does really like you. You said you have good talks and he made sure you were taken care of with food and going out to interesting places. It seems like he does genuinely like spending time with you.
It’s just his odd behavior in the bedroom is not what you were expecting/hoping. That’s really the crux of the problem isn’t it? His reason for it almost doesn’t matter. His style and his desires don’t match up to you and what you want ans that’s important when starting a new relationship so it sounds like you guys would be better friends than lovers.
If you are talking openly you can just tell him that and see what he says. “I like you a lot but we have different desires and needs and I think this won’t work out as a relationship so we should just be friends.” Then see what he says. If he agrees and STILL wants to sleep in your room, well, that’s pretty weird and it’s up to you to decide if you want to invite him to your hotel again.
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