Dear Ms. Wai – Should I End It?

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Dear Ms. Wai,

We met on a dating app 9 months ago, he wanted to meet me personally that time but I said no. We chatted until November after my birthday then we argued because I didn’t meet him in person coz I’m scared. But those 9 months we exchanged sweet words, photos (including that you know) we video called just like a couple . He always said I love you.

Last January he sent me a message again, and I agreed to meet. We ate dinner on our first meeting, he’s cute and a gentleman. On our 2nd dinner date we ate and went to his condo and did it. I thought he would stop texting me after that but he still messaged me and ate dinner with me. But after one month he needed to leave and transfer to other country. He was sad about that and didn’t tell me about this ( this was his problem because he didn’t want to leave me). He was always talking about marriage, how it was in China. He wants me to work also if we get married.

He just finished paying for his own house in China . He showed it to me almost everyday. The day of his departure he called while he was sitting waiting at the airport, but he doesn’t talk. He just waved and was about to cry and hang up. After he arrived in that country he messaged me to say he was sad and even mad at me. He apologized because he was mean to me.

Before he left I told him I missed my period he said I need to take test which was negative. I went to my OB and told me I have early pregnancy signs. I told him about that he panicked. He said if I’m pregnant he wanted me to abort the baby. I told him I won’t do that, he just told me he will just give money but I said I don’t need his money. He said hurtful words like he didn’t love me, I’m hard to love, he don’t want to marry me.

Weeks have passed we still talk about that everything seems fine, but the good thing is I just had my period which is good news. But tonight he told me sometimes he wants to stop liking me because we live far now. I cried a lot and I think he really doesn’t really like me and he said sorry if I think that way . But he still calls me and video calls every night after his work. Does he like me? I don’t know what to do. I love him. My life has been better after I met him .

Well, it sounds like he likes you but he’s confused. Actually, sounds like you are confused too. You were so nervous it took you 9 months to meet him face-to-face, yet after you slept with him you expected him to never contact you again? That’s pretty harsh thing you were expecting. Did you really find him so untrustworthy?

But the behavior that bothers me the most is his emotional reaction to you. One day he likes you and the next day he’s mad at you because he likes you. One day he wants to break up and the next he’s calling acting like everything is fine. He sounds very confused and uncertain of this relationship and what he wants. And honestly, changing his mind and making you cry often isn’t fair to you. I can imagine you might be nervous sometimes talking to him afraid he is going to have another outburst and get mad at you for no reason. If he does it regularly that’s borderline mental abuse and not at all acceptable.

You need to tell him to stop that. He either wants you, and is all in on the relationship or he doesn’t. He can’t keep making you wonder (and cry) all the time. It’s not fair to you. I can see he needs some time to figure things out and decide (especially as you are long distance now) but you need to set some limits on it.

Long distance can be tough enough when you are sure of your relationship status but when you are unsure, it can be nearly impossible.

I think you need to have a talk and really get things clear. What does he want? What do you want? Do you call each other boyfriend/girlfriend yet or is it still unclear what your relationship status is? When is he coming back and do you have an opportunity to be together again? If you don’t, or it is years away, do you really want to wait that long for him? Does he tell his friends about you? Did he invite you out to meet them? There are many questions you need to be sure of.

And if he is so uncertain himself now, what’s it going to be like when he tells him family? And what if they don’t approve of you being a foreigner? Sounds like he wouldn’t stand up for you or your relationship in that case.

So I feel that he does like you, he calls you everyday after all, but I’m not sure it is a healthy or good relationship for either of you. You need to figure it out, and you really need to know what he is thinking deep in his heart (not just his constantly changing mood). But in the long run it might be easier, and better for both of you, if you try to meet other people who are more local to you.

Also, a quick word about abortions. In China there is no sort of moral/ethical decision with getting one. It is seen as more of a practical matter and as you are not married and have no plans, it makes sense he was encouraging that. It doesn’t mean anything about you or his feeling about kids in the future. Just that having a baby right now would be a bad idea, which it seems is true as you live far apart and have an unclear relationship.

Do you have a question for Mrs. Wai? Write to her at [email protected]

Ms Wai

Ms Wai

The world of Western women dating Chinese men can be fraught with confusion, misunderstandings and difficulties. But Ms. Wai has got you covered. If you have a question, or need some straight-up girl talk, Ms. Wai is here for you with a regular advice column. Please send any questions to [email protected]
Ms Wai

5 comments

  1. I am the sender. About the abortion we talked about it and he apologized already. His family knows me, we talked thru skype, his mom calls me as her ” 女儿/daughter” and also his friends knows me especially his bestfriend. Last time he said “sometimes i wanted to stop liking you because we live far from each other . im far i cant give you anything now” , then he can’t do it because he loves me. Few weeks ago he asked me if i need money and he will send me, but i told him i don’t need his money ( i think i did the right thing). He still calls me every lunch time,every night before going to sleep or whenever he’s free , took photo of what he eats ,where he was and what he’s doing which he also did when he’s still here.

    My friends told me (they are married to a Chinese guy) if he doesn’t like me he will not ask me out to dinner again and again, he won’t give me expensive things , will not introduce me to his family and friends .

    I miss him so much 🙁

    PS
    some advice please T_T

    1. do you at least know when he ks coming back? or has he asked you to join him there? My experience in China (7 years in dongbei northeast china) chinese men are reluctant to do the breaking up and sometimes try to upset the girl by making her sad or angry or flatout saying something like its my parents, my friends, my job and then you on the scae of who matters most. (many chinese girls i know went through this) or i cant marry a foreigner etc… using excuses to get the girl to end it . If you are miserable, take a break fr this situation. go out with friends, exercise, take up a new hobby and stay busy. ive had 2 long term relationships with Chinese men and they always treated me like gold. i also dated some that didnt. luckily i was aware enough to kick those wish washy, cant committ guys to the curb. GOODLUCK!

      1. when he was still here in my country, he asked me to live with him. he was actually planning to comeback here, his life there was boring, hard and no friends. last time we talk I feel like he’s too shy to tell me that he miss me .he said he misses his life here and (he didn’t tell me the other thing lol) . His work there is hard, always work work work.

        He also asked me to live there and work there .

  2. But i dont get it… is too difficult for you to live where he lives ? Or are you waiting for him to go over there ?

    1. I have work here, and I can’t resign ASAP . He told me that his life there was boring and just work work, and also my friend told me who was born and raised there that it’s hard for foreigners to find work there.

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