Dear Ms. Wai – “Bad Girls”

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Dear Ms Wai,

l have a question please. ln bars western girls always appears at 12 p.m. ls it common in western countries? Are they good girls?

-Jack

Ahhhhhh, the old good girl/bad girl question. Here’s a hint. When you meet a girl a a bar, ask her if she’s one of the good ones or one of the bad ones. See how far that’ll get ya.

All joking aside (and that was a joke) and as ridiculous as some people might find this question, it’s real and shows the mindset of a lot of Chinese people. And the mindset that foreign women continually need to fight.

One night I was out at a club with my Chinese (male) friend and he pointed out a girl sitting at a table, glued to her phone looking totally bored. Around her, her friends were chatting and laughing and dancing, and she was just flipping through her Wechat.

“That girl is the only good girl here,” my friend said.

“What?! Why do you say that?” I asked.

“She’s not enjoying being at the bar. She’s not talking to anyone or dancing. She’s a good girl.”

“But I’m at the bar,” I said. “YOU’RE at the bar! Are you admitting that you are a bad guy?”

“I’m a boy. I can drink and stay out late. It’s okay. But a good girl should never come here. If she had to, she wouldn’t have fun. That’s how I know that girl is a good girl,” he said pointing to the girl who was still playing with her phone.

Yeesh.

Let me be clear…there is no such thing as a GOOD girl and a BAD girl. Girls can go to bars, drink and dance, have a ton of fun and still be “good.” Girls can stay home, go to bed early and eat healthy food and still be “bad.”

Seeing a girl at a bar and labeling her “a bad girl” is not only traditional thinking, but incredibly dismissive and rude to the girl. If that is your fear, that girls who come to a bar at midnight are “bad,” then I suggest you don’t find a foreign girlfriend. Your mind is already too closed to deal with something untraditional like a multicultural relationship. Marry some hometown girl your aunty has chosen for you because girls, from ALL cultures, going out to clubs after midnight is totally normal, just like it’s normal for guys. (Most clubs are empty before that.)

The truth is a girl that comes to a bar at midnight is just that….a girl that has come to a bar at midnight. It tells you nothing about her values, her feelings, her life. It could be her first time at a bar. She could be drinking a soda, she could go to the bars every weekend and yet still be a responsible, smart person who is amazing at her job. Of course she could be an alcoholic, she could be a prostitute, she could be a drug addict. But that girl you see sitting at the coffee shop? Or that girl at the library? She has just as many chances to be equally as “good” or “bad” as a girl at the bar.

So if you really like a Western girl, or want to try to find one to date, get those ideas of good and bad out of your head. Stop judging. Stop assuming we are some whore just because we are drinking and having fun with our friends. After all, you’re at the bar too. Should we assume you’re a bad guy because you’re there after midnight?

If you wanna know if she’s good or bad, then talk to her. Get to know her and decide for yourself based on her actual personality, not some arbitrary thing. Because just seeing a girl at a bar after midnight means nothing. And labels like “good” and “bad” are more harmful than they are helpful; especially in a multicultural relationship.

Do you have a question for Ms. Wai? Leave a comment or write to [email protected]

Ms Wai

Ms Wai

The world of Western women dating Chinese men can be fraught with confusion, misunderstandings and difficulties. But Ms. Wai has got you covered. If you have a question, or need some straight-up girl talk, Ms. Wai is here for you with a regular advice column. Please send any questions to [email protected]
Ms Wai

2 comments

  1. That was very well said! I agree with everything, though I couldn’t have put it so well myself!!

    I think we’re all guilty of passing judgments on strangers at some time, but being a foreigner living in China, we definitely seem to attract a lot more attention and judgment in our daily lives. At the end of the day, Chinese or foreign, we are each individuals who choose to live our lives however makes us happy.

    Jack – Getting to know people as individuals and wasting less time judging strangers will certainly lead more happiness in your own life 🙂

  2. Jack – I suggest you not to find and date western girls because very likely that western girls do like going to bars anytime they want. That is their lifestyle, and their lifestyle will not go well with your tradition. I suggest you find and date Asian girls that the chance of finding Asian girls going to bars at 12:00pm is much smaller. Other Asian girls’ lifestyles are closer to your tradition and that it’s easier for you to deal with, and less headache for you.

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